Please advice – or provide me prayers to reform him, or to grant me patience

Ref no: 0162#

Category

Social

Title

Please advice – or provide me prayers to reform him, or to grant me patience

Question

my husband has engaged in social and occasional drinking for the past almost two years which has caused tremendous problems in our marriage (from my part that is, he could care less).  prior to marriage i made it clear to him that i will not tolerate him engaging in any drinking.  for the past 1.5 year, i am literally begging him to stop, but he refuses to listen.  it is affecting me tremendously.  i had been living with this till now ( 2years) for my children’s sake…but can not take it anymore.  he says that its his personal choice, and i can not interfere.  according to him, the only obligation he has towards me is to not sleep around.  we have had numerous arguments, and he refuses to give it up.  since its only social and occasional, i know its not addiction, but has more to do with his low esteem and trying to fit in and be acceptable to his western colleagues.  i feel he is ashamed of his Muslim title. he attributes his success to himself and his hard work only…he does not consider, nor thank Allah for the favors bestowed on him.

because i feel so strongly about it, i have lost all feelings for him (i am still respectful towards him), and its an agony performing my other wifely duties, which i do with eyes closed, reciting verses to grant me the strength to go through with it.  it is mentally exhausting me.  i honestly abhor him.  he justifies that its ‘intoxication’ that Islam forbids, and that he only engages in ‘social’ and ‘occasional’ drinking, which doesn’t constitute haram behaviour.

i know its a matter between Allah and him, and i am not responsible for his deeds.  i don’t have any choice but to accept him the way he wants to be..for he refuses to budge from his position.  however, i truly hate him, most sincerely abhor him – not only for the drinking, albeit social and occasional, but i hate him for failing in his duties to provide his wife peace of mind, and a comfortable home – i have always tried to extend comfort and peace to him. since he has not been considerate to my, his wife’s, feelings, and has left me crying at his feet (literally), i don’t consider him much of a man, or a husband.  if i am doing my end of the marriage, he is also required to live upto the promises he made to me, my family, and divine authority at the time of nikah.  

i hate him so much, that i have at times, much to my disappointment, prayed for his death, for that is the only clean breakup from him.  i am ashamed of such sentiments since it is not very muslim to wish for another’s death, but that is how strongly i despise him.

please advise – or provide me prayers to reform him, or to grant me patience and the strength to stay in this mentally abusive relationship, atleast for my children’s sake…please help me, i am falling apart, breaking into piece

Answer

Muhtaram / Muhtaramah

In the Name of Allāh, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāh wa-barakātuh.

Jazakallah for writing to the institute regarding your husband’s unacceptable behavior.

It must indeed be very painful for you to go on living with this intolerable habit.

It is indeed a most difficult test for you. As a mother you are also placed in a difficult position as you need your children to grow up with the right values and morals. At the moment, their father is failing them and setting a very poor example. I do admire you for the patience you have shown and for being tolerant up to now.

Allah Ta’ala has granted you this opportunity to increase your ibadah, move closer to Him and place greater faith, trust and dependence on Him. Sometimes we may find it difficult to understand why some of why our loved ones behave so irrationally and self destructively. Allah Ta’ala knows best why this happens and only He knows how we will behave when shaitaan tempts us with evil.
Have you tried to get your family elders to talk to him or guide him? What has his response been to them? Have you also tried to ask the local imaam to guide your husband? Do tell me, was he drinking prior to your marriage? I note that you say that you had warned him that you would not tolerate him drinking prior to your marriage. Have you thought about getting CD’s of the Quran with English translations or even lectures which deal with the intake, selling, buying, brewing etc of alcohol? Look around in your local CD or Islamic bookshops and see what you can find. Play these at appropriate times so that insha’allah his mind clears and he takes heed of your pleas to stop.

You should stop falling at his feet, getting into arguments, pleading with him and begging him to stop. This can be counterproductive as my experience has shown that the men just go on using the “nagging” as an excuse to carry on drinking in whatever form. How about maintaining absolute silence, direct all your pleas to Allah Ta’ala, increase all your nafl ibadah by reading tahajjud salaah, Quran reading with understanding, giving sadqa, increasing your zikr, duas and fasting perhaps on Monday and Thursdays. Also, you could refuse him conjugal rights till he gives up his drinking habits. May Allah Ta’ala guide your husband away from this evil practice and may He guide and assist you to bring your husband back to his senses, ameen.

And Allah knows best
Darul Iftaa

Madrasah Inaa’miyya